FEBRUARY 21, 2008
Disclaimer: the following accounts are either real, unreal, or surreal
Quote of the Day: Beware of old ladies with red teeth…Jack Patton
LUKA’S MINISTRIES
Not too far from the Inn is the Luka’s compound. It’s located on about 15 acres that Luka has for the Thai-Akha Ministries Foundation. He has a big spread with a nice home and guest house overlooking a valley of tea plants. The AYDC houses over 80 Akha boys and girls who live on the grounds and go to school nearby. At the center they teach Akha so the children can maintain their cultural ties and language and also learn Thai so that they can converse with the rest of the country which helps them to obtain a job later. There is a library where we set up clinic for the dentists, medical docs and pharmacists. The optometric clinic is set up underneath the concrete frame for a tea factory in the making. It was donated by a Mennonite group. It will take 1,000,000 baht ($330 K) for the equipment. Right now a variety of tea is grown here and then taken to a factory 2 hours away to get processed and packaged. We brought some back last trip to support his Tea Ministry. They are hoping to eventually do everything here, on-site.
Within the library is a recording studio. Many of the group, in which we work, including Luka, are self-taught musicians. They play piano and guitar. The group records Christian songs and hymns in Akha. This Music Ministry sends the tapes to various places such as the Philippines for Akha who live there. Many of them cannot read so the hymnals in Akha aren’t useful. But since they can understand spoken, or in this case, singing Akha, the songs can be enjoyed and used as an evangelical tool. Are music videos on the horizon?
We meander down this road flanked by banana trees and the like to two large ponds, one recently dredged. They raise fish such as catfish and Talapia in these ponds for food. They feed the fish with leftovers from the children’s meals. Waste not, want not. Near the ponds are some garbage pits, not unlike our landfills in the States. Luka would like the property to provide a lot of the resources to support the compound and children. In the distance are rice paddies owned by someone else but he would like to eventually purchase the fields to grow there own rice. In the distance we can see cattle grazing which is used for food as well.
Ghan, Luka’s wife cooked an amazing spread and we were glutens. Spicy pork curry, chicken, bread, regular and sticky rice, mango, banana, apple fritters, guacamole dip (yes, guacamole!) and chips, salad, and drinks. Luka and Ghan have 4 young girls from 4-12 years old. They helped do the dishes which I appreciate because I had to do dishes the last mission trip. You should have just seen us rubbing our bellies with our feet up with the toothpick cleaning our teeth. We are very comfortable with each other belching and whatever. We didn’t have to do that maneuver of hiding the mouth with one hand and picking the teeth with the other because we knew what you were doing. Come on, who are you kidding? Hey, is that broccoli between your teeth?
WHERE’S THE BEEF?
There is also a Bull Ministry. FCBC can take credit for establishing a bull ministry in Thailand. That ain’t no bull! So far some families have been reaping the rewards. FCBC sent $5000 to Luka to buy a bull stud. This bull has to make his rounds to three villages to families who have a cow. The bull does his thing and then goes to the next village, and so on, and so on. I’m sure that the bull is thinking “It’s a tough job bud someone has to do it.” He’s strutting his stuff. “I’m a stud. That’s what I’m talking about!” They recycle this guy is until the family has three calves. Men, is this right, being used like this? (Let’s take a vote at the next Men’s Breakfast.) Then the momma cow and calve #2 get sent to another needy family. And the cycle goes on. At sometime the cow will be slaughtered and used for food. Then the calf moves up the food chain. I think there are 13 cows, 4 calves, and one bull. Happy cows make happy cheese.
Some of us checked out the cows the other day. We were hoping to see the bull but only saw some of the cows and some calves. It was out to pasture 100 miles away. The owner was there and you can tell he is out standing in his field. Luka wanted to demonstrate the finer techniques of bull riding. “Yih—Hah! Ride him cowboy!” I think that was a bunch of BS. Speaking of BS, there is, well it’s not exactly called the manure ministry, but even the cow manure is collected and sold for fertilizer for income. I guess its part of their waste management system. We checked out a pile of bags of manure and I tripped and fell. Oh shoot! (paraphrased) I was up to my neck in crap! Kind of reminded me back home. Lester had an idea for a fund raiser-cow chip tossing contest. Maybe we can do that at the next Food and Fun. We’ll have to take it to the Board because I understand that they also deal with a lot of crap. We wanted to see Larry milk the cow. By the way, have you ever seen the star of the teet. You have the person look at the end of the teet to see the “star” (nipple) and then squeeze the teet as they look and they get squirted with milk in the face. It’s hilarious! GOT MILK? That would have been udderly funny. Riding back in the car we smelled an odor. Did someone step in something? Not me. You noticed it first….Luka!!!
AKHA FREE CLINIC
Today was a fruitful day. The medical, dental and optometric clinic saw about 67, 62, and 45 patients, respectively. I can’t tell you how many patients that the eye docs have personally MADE lenses and glasses for. They have given out nearly 26 DOZEN reading glasses in addition to making other glasses. They really are the production workers and Gi and Dr. Tajiri are a two-man assembly man being fed by Dr. Chinn. It got so busy that they had to turn away 20 and try to get to them tomorrow. An 87 year-old man had tears of joy because his sight was restored. The docs continue with their routines, but it’s the nurses and helpers and Pastor that keep us going with the flow. The nurses screen and triage the patients giving clues toward the diagnosis. They also assist with procedures and they are always available to lend a helping hand. Pastor Jack continues his popular “male escort” service and brings the patients to the doctors personally. Oh, I cannot stress the importance of our translators. We could not communicate without the help of Luka, Ghan, Gi, Prah, Auntica, Totu, Socorro, and Faith and of course, Ming. They are invaluable otherwise it would be difficult to pin down their complaints and symptoms. The village people are primarily laborers even well into their seventies. So they have a lot of muscle and joint type pain and inflammation. Many of them want moles and skin tags removed. The dentists continue over loading the tooth fairy aS Richard services four dentists around the clock. At least the medical docs get to sit but the dentists mostly stand all day. That’s brutal.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
We have a great time at these villages. We see baby, mother, grandma, sometimes great grandma. They look great. There age often doesn’t match their appearance. It may be some natural BOTOX. Well, many of the older patients are very traditional. They wear their traditional garments and sport their thick red teeth. It is a dentist’s nightmare for cleaning. Forget about it. There was an elderly lady who had the prettiest smile which also exposed her teeth. It’s almost a status symbol to have teeth like that. Luka was explaining how the teeth got like that. The villagers like to suck on or chew the betel nut. It’s a drug and it’s addicting. The betel nut is the seed of a palm tree. They take the leaf of the Piper betle, which is a different plant and has its own drug, and put edible lime (yes, that caustic stuff, not the fruit lime) powder in the leaf and then add crushed betel nut.
The elder carries all these ingredients and drug paraphernalia in her purse. Luka is explaining and she starts making one. We’re giving her our undivided attention and curiously thinking, “Oh, that’s how it’s done! Hmmm.” Then she raises it to give to someone. Everyone surrounding her except me steps back. So you know how that works, it looks like I stepped forward. She points it at my direction. I smile and in the universal language of shaking my head and saying “no, no…no thanks, thank you any way”; she doesn’t get it. She’s smiling and shaking this thing in my face (I’m getting dizzy from just the smell) and my comrades are egging me on. “DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!” they chant. I hear Lester in the background, “Give it to Mikey, Mikey will eat anything.” I’m Markey, not Mickey. She impatiently continues to shake this toward me, toward my mouth, as she’s loosing her smile with beady eyes. Give me a break, what do you tell this 90 year-old woman? I reluctantly open my mouth out of respect. I’m hoping she washed her hands. I put it in my cheek, smile and say “Hmmm, good.” She smiles; I have redeemed my self. She gives me some piece of bark as a chaser, I guess. “Chew it!”, she motions with here jaw clenching her thickened red teeth chomping her teeth. I’m thinking, “How do I explain my red teeth to Lena? Will she ever kiss me again? Am I not the man that she married?” Now I’m going to have to go to the dentist to get my teeth whitened.
I chew and chew to gain her acknowledgement. She nods like a metronome, pacing my chew. It’s so bitter. It stings my mucous membranes. The Drano is burning a hole in my tongue and cheek. I’m drooling profusely, foaming at the mouth. “Don’t swallow!” “Who said that?”, I think as I search around the room. What, will I die if I swallow. I look to spit in a bag. This dark red fluid comes out. Am I bleeding? I look at her to see if she disapproves of wasting the “score”. Everyone is smiling or laughing but me. Ooh, it’s bitter. I go outside with a liter of water to rinse my mouth. It takes four times in order for it to get clear spit. Whew, that was awful! I am glad to get that taste out of my mouth.
I’m standing near a ledge and have to catch my balance. My vision seems blurred and I get dizzy and the room is spinning. My face feels flush and numb. (Hey, can you make me another). I’m thinking, it’s a good thing I brought emergency meds and the defibrillator with us on this trip. “Am I going to die?” “Someone, call 911.” I look at the lady and she is looking at me in disgust. I think I can make out what she is saying. I’m reading her spinning lips and she is saying “Loser! Lightweight!” Am I hallucinating? Visions of Oliver Twist enter my mind, “Please sir, may I have some more?” “This is some good stuff!” Dr. Owyang worsens the situation by saying “You’re not really here.” His Luka laugh imitation follows. I am loosing my balance and have to sit down. “Are you okay?” my esteemed colleagues inquire. “You better lay down.” “No, I’m okay.” “Okay, then, you have to go to work now, you’re getting behind.” I am thinking, you idiot (no, me). What was I thinking? I really didn’t know that this was a drug. Hello, why do you think it is addicting? I think the lady gave me HER usual dose. I start to examine a patient; its 11:30 am. Cancel surgery. I tell her to come back at 2:00 pm. I go lay down for a little bit. I am not capable of surgery at this moment. I am an impaired physician. This recipe is definitely not making it into the Ho Mei cook book. Later I tried to ask her if she was interested in trading some of my Eclipse wintergreen gum and she gave me the Akha sign language of “No Way!” So I’m NOT responsible for anything that I write from this point since a few of my neurons may be still disconnected.
WHERE’S WALDO? HOW ABOUT MING?
After a hard day’s work we were being treated to a very nice buffet dinner at the Dusit Island Hotel (I can’t believe this wasn’t considered as an optional upgrade considering the 13 hour workdays that we experience. Perhaps it wasn’t cost effective since we weren’t, in fact, spending much time in the hotel in the first place. Weren’t we over budgeted last time and there is actual surplus that could have been forwarded to present or future projects? How much Chinese torture are we to endure?)
We all were excited to treat ourselves to a nice well-deserved buffet. Most of us have lost weight since we have been on the trip. Most of us could afford to loose a few pounds, but if Rachel or Cindy loose anymore weight we are going to have to put a feeding tube down them. It could be due to the worms or diarrhea that is responsible for the weight loss and fatigue. So the culinary delight is welcomed and the timing couldn’t be better. Our eagerness to get there was fraught with oversight. Bill collected money from us to pay for the anticipated bill. Bill wanted it to make it simple so he was just going to charge it. Out of gratitude he did not charge Ming to thank him for all the ancillary things that he does for the team. With zeal and mouth watering anticipation we loaded into the vans that Ming arranged for us. We go through a gated entrance toward this brightly lit hotel-Dusit Island. Whoaah! Didn’t we NOT stay at this hotel last time? Didn’t we save up enough over the last two years to give this place a consideration? Is it too decadent contrary to our humble servitude? Are we not deserving? We parade out of the two vans toward the buffet dining hall.
What a spread and we can’t wait to eat. Bill is trying to explain to the Thai hostess that we made a reservation for a party of 20. She doesn’t seem to under stand him. Ming, who made the reservation, is expected any moment. Any moment passes by and another any moment. “Where’s Ming?” Bill inquisitively asks. “He’s upstairs” someone replied. We are getting impatient since all of us want to eat but we want to pray first and give thanks and we are waiting for Ming. What can he possibly doing that takes so long? Someone wonders if he is checking into the hotel (I don’t blame him). Maybe he going to the restroom and taking his time enjoying every moment to sit on a real toilet instead of squatting on those porcelain holes in the floor. “How rude of him to keep us waiting. Doesn’t he know we are waiting for him. Dr. Chinn goes to look for him. Several minutes pass by. Bill asks, “Who saw Ming last?” Did someone see him board the van? He was out there next to the van before we left someone says but something about forgetting his cell phone. “He wasn’t on our van, was he on yours?” He sat in the front someone recalls. I polled each table. “Did anyone actually sit next to Ming?” “No.” “No.” “No.” There was a unanimous, “No.” We think we left Ming behind! No way, someone saw him board the van. Someone saw him get out of the van. Someone saw him upstairs. We’re sure about that.
Then Ming comes strolling into the dining hall about 20 minutes after we have arrived. “Did we leave you behind?” Bill asks. “Yeah, I forgot my phone and came out and the vans were gone!” Good, now we can go to the buffet. We’re starving! Then we recall that the driver of our van received a call during our trip to Dusit. He’s speaking in Thai. My Thai isn’t too good but I believe he said, “Hello? Opus (Ming’s Thai name)? Hey, where are you? Golden Triangle Inn? You didn’t want to go? Oh, they left you, HA HA HA! They left without you? I can’t believe it; those foolish Americans! Hey, who’s supposed to pay me! You? I better come back to get you. We still going out drinking and getting massage like last night; you still owe me from last night. No I want cash, not betel nut! Okay, Ciao.” Sorry for not speaking up, I wasn’t sure who Opus was so I didn’t make the connection. Bill, did you not have Ming pay because that was a subtle hint for him NOT to come? That’s not right. We shouldn’t have driven off like that. We hurt Ming’s feelings. Ming, I care. We all care. Thanks Ming. You’re a sport.
P.S. This is actually something I typed as I typed myself to sleep: Perfur revomy. (I have no clue, must be the residual betel nut.)
